Dr. John Young                                                                                                             5/31/09

Unitarian Universalist Church of Jacksonville

Questions for John

            This question was asked by an individual who self-identified “as part of quite a few of the cliques at UUCJ” but expressed “discomfort with cliques, perceiving them as driving new people away from UUCJ, and wondering whether cliques are just human nature.” The individual hoped that I might have advice to “help the congregation find a ‘wholeness.’”

            It is natural for people to identify a relatively few individuals they choose within any group and to allocate most of their available time within the group to be with people they prefer. However, I see members in a UU congregation as committing themselves to allocating about ¼ of their congregational time and energies with new people and people not within their chosen intimate circle. Generally, I would suggest that people spend their clique times not on Sundays or at general church events, but in their homes or other chosen private settings, which makes them available for new people and people they don’t know well when they are at church.

            It is my experience that when people do this that they widen their comfort zones and build up a larger group of friends at church. I would suggest that you each make a point of spending church time with some people outside of your comfort zone: a different generation, gender, life style, job, or UUCJ interests, and remember each time you are at church what it feels like to be new. If most UUCJ members did this routinely, ¼ of your UUCJ time with new people and people strange to you, it would create a ‘wholeness’ not only at UUCJ but within your own hearts.

            Bill and Patty West asked “what parts of the Bible I find most meaningful and why?”

            I identify myself, as Gandhi did, as a ‘Sermon on the Mount’ Christian; so, Matthew 5-7 is a foundation for me, and generally, I have found some of the parables by and stories about Jesus’ ministry important in my life. I find the Exodus story and some of the tales in Genesis fascinating, and I have found the wisdom literature: Job, Ecclesiastes, and many of the Psalms instructive. Among the early Christian letters, I find the Epistle of James most helpful because, like James, I think of faith as what a person does, not what she says that she believes. The discovery of more of the early Christian sayings-gospels, like the Gospel of Thomas, has revealed that many of the early Christians were both Unitarians [God and reality as a unity and all people children of Creation] and Universalists [every one saved, no hell or devil, and some truth in each faith, but no faith with all the truth]. I recommend the continuing work of the Jesus Seminar and other liberated Biblical scholars.

            A new participant, a lesbian woman, faces a family dilemma. She has a sister who was one of the original petitioners to get the anti-gay marriage on the ballot and passed in Florida. The questioner still loves her sister and believes in forgiveness and tolerance of opinion differences, but is so hurt over her sister’s attitudes that she cannot talk with her, and is therefore not only angry with her sister but angry with her self and feels like a hypocrite. “How do you get past it when someone you love hurts you so deeply?”

            I am a big fan of carefully written and long-considered [before perhaps being mailed] letters in difficult situations. When we are hurt, fearful, and angry, most of us have reasons not to trust ourselves and those with whom we have a disagreement. Physical, verbal, or e-mail encounters too easily degenerate into childish behavior we long regret. In such a letter, I suggest beginning with many of the reasons you love and admire your adversary, then standing up for yourself, not defensively but affirmatively. I would assume in this situation that the questioner is happy and fulfilled as a lesbian woman and unself-conscious in this part of her identity. From my perspective, she rightly feels that same-sex people should be able to marry and should be treated with legal equality. So, these things deserve to be said. Then, she could follow that with defending her sister’s right to live and to believe differently. Then, since she hopes to renew her sisterly bond, to conclude the letter by saying so, and by proposing ways of interacting that the questioner would find comfortable and hopes that her sister would also find comfortable.

            The bottom line in a disagreement with an intimate is, as the UUCJ congregational covenant says, that “the relationship is more important than the issue.” They differ on this important issue which complicates their personal interactions, but they are still sisters, and appropriately want to remain in a caring and mutually supportive relationship, in the ways that they find feasible. The fact is that no one completely loves or understands any other person, including themselves. Remembering that fact as you interact with others is helpful; love is not an all or nothing proposition.

            Sharon Scholl wondered about “UUs fear of our right brains.” She elaborates: “except for the music in our services, there is almost never any content that appeals directly to the emotional/spiritual life rather than strictly to the intellectual or social aspects of us. When we do include a ritual, it is a knock-off of a standard Christian or Jewish service. Are we so imaginatively dead that we cannot originate any deeply felt rituals that are our own? The spoken affirmation is a good start; our architectural setting is another good element, but what we do most of the time isn’t significantly different from a Lion’s Club meeting. What’s with us?”

            I agree with Sharon that this is a central problem for most UU congregations and many UU individuals. Too many UUs got caught in the young-adult stage of faith development, and still cannot distinguish between freedom from oppressive and false spirituality and the freedom for liberated and effective spirituality. However, I think many UU individuals and congregations are making considerable progress in this regard including our own. Chalice lighting, joys and sorrows, meditative periods, birthday celebrations and other non-musical elements are now common among UUs. Flower Communion, bringing back waters from vacations, leave taking, memorials, infant celebrations, coming of age recognitions and other periodic events are shared in many of our congregations. My Thanksgiving Seder, Marriage Reconfirmation for all committed couples, Beach Easter celebration, and a host of world religious celebrations, including Judeo-Christian ones, are, for me, not rip-offs of our wider culture, but proud and individualized wisdom from our one-world culture. I am hopeful about our UU future, partly because of people like Sharon Scholl and her poetic and musical creativity. But, I will probably go to non-UU religious sanctuaries sometimes in retirement in order to get the emotional and spiritual voltage I crave. And, I strongly feel that a primary emphasis in our congregations need to be on individual spiritual development, and I hope that that will evolve into a host of shared congregational rituals in future generations.

            A member is facing “problems with a local aging parent and the associated tensions with her siblings.”

            Some of the most daunting life problems for many are with children that are over 21 but who have not become independent or left home and with parents or other older relatives who require increased care and attention. These situations almost inevitably cause difficult emotional ripples with siblings, our own or our children’s. Each person involved needs to do what they can but also needs to make their limitations and boundaries clear. This works best if people talk about these matters before they are actually faced with a crisis.

Older people need to make plans, and they need to communicate them clearly to the people whom they emotionally depend upon, and to get their agreement in advance. Parents need to let their children know well in advance that there is a point at which they expect them to act as adults, become independent, and take care of themselves. That said, we each need to prepare ourselves to stretch our capacities for generosity and nurture, but to do so in ways that are not self-defeating or recipes for failure for everyone concerned. We should want to be interdependent, and we need to find ways to cooperate with the people we love in mutually sustainable ways, but co-dependence or the suffering-servant attitude are prescriptions for unhappiness.

            Jay Huebner asked: “How do we have confidence in questioning the ‘faiths of our fathers?’”

            Each of us begins by believing that our parents or parental figures know everything and have all the right answers, and everybody learns that that is not true, and that they, at least partly, must find their own way and their own answers in life. In the 21^st century, more than 40% of Americans change from the ‘faith of their parents.’ So, this is widespread among Americans, whether UUs or not.

            I have found it useful to remember that my parents were doing the best that they knew how, and I have found that much easier to remember once I became a parent myself. Most UUs are clearly in favor of basing their sense of reality on the best available scientific and practical knowledge about the world, and of focusing their faith choices on this life and this world, therefore, acting as humanists. It has been most helpful to me to decide that reality is best understood as matters of probability rather than certainty, and to see that nature, including humanity and all human institutions, are constantly evolving. In my lifetime, many scientists have become fervent mystics, and many spiritual people have become quite realistic and practical. So, this has led to a wonderful meeting of the minds and hearts in our realistic and practical UU spirituality.

            Whenever possible, I think it is not only kind and helpful but appropriately generous and modest to relate our personal growth to healthy roots we re-discover in the faiths of our parents. There are things about my mother and father than I have worked hard to be different from, but there remains so much that I cherish and admire about their loving parenting.

            Bob Martineau asked, “Who is Jesus?”

            I believe that Jesus was a Jewish prophet who understood that all people are children of God, or my preferred term for God, Creation. Jesus’ words and life lessons of love have transformed the lives of billions of people. Like other Unitarian Universalists, I do not believe that Jesus was or thought that he was the one or only child of God, or that he was necessary for salvation. We are UUs; so, we believe that Creation are the creative and organizing energies behind the constructive and progressive forces in the universe, and we believe that every person can find meaning and value in life and will find peace in death. It turns out that many early Christians were Unitarian and Universalist in faith and spirit. John of that Gospel and Paul perverted Jesus into Christ and the crusader Popes finished transforming what had begun as a liberated and life-affirming message into a violent, apocalyptic, sacrificial and life-denying message that modern fundamentalisms have unfortunately taken global.

            Bob Martineau is also appropriately concerned about some UUs’ anti-Christian sense of superiority. I call myself a Jesusian because I do not believe that Jesus was nor believed himself to be the Christ, but I do cherish Jesus’ life and teachings of love and his attitude of empathy and focusing on the real needs of people who are struggling. I feel myself most in alliance with those who try to live a religion of love, joyful service, empathy, and non-violent activism. I am proud that many Christians, as well as people of every other spiritual and philosophical persuasion, are among these allies. I urge you too, to consider becoming a Jesusian.

            Finally, I want to combine a suggestion from new member Robert Birch to focus on process theology, like the work of Alfred North Whitehead, and a charming e-mail from Donna Janesky. Donna wrote that she had taken some my suggestions to “speak their language, find common ground, etc. when speaking with the more orthodox.” She tried these out with two Jehovah’s Witness ladies that came to her door. Donna continued: “I got to explain what Unitarians are all about [they had never heard of us], and we talked about being saved, and all around everybody felt good when we finished; it was really a lovely exchange.”

            Dear friends, use the wisdom of your knowledge and life experience to relate with love, respect and empathy with all persons. Assume in any interchange that you can be understood and that you may learn something valuable. Reality IS a continuing and evolving process. We cannot know what will happen, but it is best to proceed on the basis of probabilities, and wisest to go forward with attitudes of mutual respect, loving assertion, & philosophical hopefulness. Amen. Alleluia, and Blessed Be!